Disorder Diaries: Am I Losing It?
Thursday, April 16:
Noon: When I start thinking about being inside my house for an indefinite amount of time, it makes me feel constricted and claustrophobic. I watch videos about Italy and get instantly sad. I’m fully aware that what I’m doing is detrimental to my mental health, but I also feel instant guilt when I see videos about COVID-19 and I skip over them. I feel like I owe it to the world to be informed, and sad, and angry at this situation. I am, but I feel guilty when I don't feel those emotions.
5pm: The days are going by so fast recently but they’re kind of just blurring together. I’ve been walking five miles everyday and it’s seriously my saving grace. I need that time outside, alone, doing something that’s genuinely good for me. I, truthfully, thought it was a load of crap that everyone was telling everyone to be active and get outside but I’m seeing the benefits mentally. It’s also nice to see other faces, masked or not.
7pm: I have a glass of wine. I’m trying to limit my drinking a lot these days, mostly because it’s unhealthy to rely so heavily on alcohol, but also because I hate waking up feeling anything but good. Alcohol makes me more sad right now.
9pm: Back up. I had about a bottle of wine. Sue me. I feel like I’m losing it. Things that ordinarily aren’t as funny are fucking hilarious to me now and for an average of 15 minutes I’m giggly after a joke.
11:30pm: Me and my boyfriend play Mario Kart until I can’t keep my eyes open. I love these moments. Surprisingly, we’re doing extremely well for being in the house together 24/7. The only thing I miss is missing him. I crave when we would spend days apart at work and would see each other at the end of our days. Quality time isn’t the same when there’s so much quantity.
Friday, April 17:
8am: I wake up and I feel groggy. It was the wine. I go into my Zoom meetings and immediately have extreme anxiety. My work anxiety has been through the roof. Am I doing my best? Is the work I’m putting out okay? Can someone please for the LOVE OF GOD tell me I’m doing a great job here even though the world is quite literally falling apart?
10am: Someone told me I’m doing a good job. I can breathe again. I call my mom. I call my mom so much that she ignores me. It’s like we’re quarantining together because I’m so FaceTime obsessed right now.
Noon: I have my mid-day breakdown. Classic. Love it. Mental stability? Don’t know her right now. I call my dad. “Tell me I’m going to be fine” I tell him. He reassures me that I’m going to be okay. And I will be. Riiiight?