My past is... rocky, to say the least. I paved the way for my own misfortune. I wasn't born into a neglectful family or dealt an unlucky hand in life, rather I made decisions that weren't wise and like any teenager, I took those decisions to the extreme. I hung out with people who, genuinely, were probably not the people for me. This isn't their fault, it's mine. To be vague for the sake of other humans I hurt, I was not a good friend. This has haunted me for years. It takes nothing more than word of mouth that these old friends are back in town to send me spiraling into a deep hole of guilt and sorrow. I've reached out to apologize for horrible things I said to these people, but to no avail.
Rather than sit in my own self-pity for the things that I've done that I have no way of changing now, I can accept that it's okay to start to let go. When I feel myself start to question who I am as a person, It’s important to remember I have grown. And I have grown an incredible amount in the past six years. I'm a different person than I was when I made decisions that I would never make now. I don't talk about people the way that I did, even a year ago. Sometimes, learning that you're the toxic friend is the only way to get better.
It's easy to approach problems with confidence if they don't seem right to you. I don't gossip about other people, I talk directly to them with them. I don't hate my past, I own it. Part of growing and owning your disorder is owning the things you've done that can unknowingly contribute to your disorder. I'm not mad at myself- in fact, I'm pretty damn proud that every situation I went through encouraged me to be better than I was the day before. Go easy on yourself.